Chris Trottier

2024-12-20 19:44:04

No, “personal brands” do not exist. Here’s why.

What even is a brand? Originally, it wasn’t about vibe curation or colour palettes – it was about searing hot iron and cow buttocks. In the Wild West, ranchers would take a metal rod, heat it to obscene levels, burn a symbol into their livestock, and voila – if your cow wandered off, you could go reclaim Bessie from your neighbour and tell them, “See that scar? She’s mine!”

A brand was literally proof of ownership. No mood board. No influencers. Just fire and regret.

Later, this barbaric act expanded beyond cattle. Breeders started branding their horses to show off their lineage. Bakers started stamping their buns, because why not ruin pastry with an ego mark? Then came packaging, jingles, and entire colour palettes to signal, “Hey, this bread’s ours!” But here’s the key: the owner applied the brand – it wasn’t the brand itself.

Now, for the uncomfortable part: branding didn’t stop at cows and bread. Slave owners, in all their maximum assholery, also branded humans. They burned their logos onto living skin to assert ownership in the most degrading way possible. So yeah, every time I see someone voluntarily tattooing a logo on their body, I shudder. Not because it’s edgy, but because, historically speaking, it’s… yikes.

And yet, somehow, you want to be a personal brand? Why?!

Let’s break this down. If you’re the brand, congratulations, you’ve rebranded… yourself. Otherwise known as your name. Hi, Bob. You’re Bob. You don’t need Helvetica Bold to prove it. And no, the DMV isn’t accepting your Instagram bio as valid ID soon.

Is your product the brand? That’s not personal – it’s transactional. People don’t buy Ralph Lauren because they feel spiritually connected to Ralph himself. If Ralph sold his company tomorrow, the shirts would stay the same, and no one would cry over his personal journey.

Or worse: is someone else branding you? That’s not branding – that’s dystopian nightmare territory. We have words to describe that, like exploitation and, you know, crime.

The truth is, this whole “personal brand” thing is a desperate attempt to be a walking billboard in a world that rewards soundbites over substance. But you’re not a logo. You’re not a vibe. And for heaven’s sake, you’re not a cow.

You’re a person. You’re allowed to have depth, contradictions, and zero interest in building a “cohesive aesthetic”. Stop trying to burn yourself into an archetype and just be human.

And hey, if someone doesn’t recognize your value without a “brand”, maybe they’re the one with the problem.